Bipolar and Pregnant

38 weeks: The Waiting Game

2009-11-22T17:00:00.004-05:00

More to write tomorrow.

Today I am 38 weeks pregnant. Life is coming at me fast, and I don't know if I could be any happier or any more overwhelmed. Tomorrow is the first day where I will realize that I am officially on maternity leave. I still have much more to prepare and do, and luckily my nesting instincts are stronger than ever.

My impatience is really building up inside of my core and I just don't want to play the waiting game anymore. I want to meet my son. I wish I could tell him how he saved my life. I want to tell him that he has made me a better person. To tell him how much I love him. To share with him all the wonderful details of my life and who his mother is. One day I'll tell him. For now, I must keep waiting. One step at a time.

The Countdown Begins: 36 Weeks, 2 Days

2009-11-10T09:54:00.004-05:00

Tuesday, November 10, 20009

I have only 26 more days to go (according to my due date) and that means I have less than 8 working days left. Right now I'm sitting at my desk at work alone in my office just thinking of what's going to happen in just a few weeks. Well, I have off tomorrow because it's Veterans Day. Then I have Thursday, Friday, and next week will be a blue. Monday is a sonogram appointment - so that means I work a half a day. Tuesday is my baby shower at work. Wednesday is another doctor's appointment for my 37th week. And then Thursday and Friday, and then I'm finished! How crazy is that?

I'm in a good mood lately because I know what's coming up very soon now - BABY! Danny is visiting DC also very often and that makes me the most happy. There's nothing like having your loving partner there for you, through thick and thin, when you're sick, when you're not feeling your happiest or prettiest or best. I love when he's there - as long as he's not SLEEPING!

Well, I can't believe how big my stomach got. I'm a little nervous though because when I was in the hospital for possible flu scare a few weeks ago (34 weeks) I lost weight and now after my 33 week appointment, I just had my first one since then yesterday (for 36 weeks) and I was 2 pounds lighter than I was at 33 weeks. That's scaring me because the doctor said that I will just gain it back. But that means I've only gained 13 pounds total now in my pregnancy. That just doesn't seem normal! That means that if the baby is around 7 pounds, hopefully everything will go right back to normal quickly, you know? That would be amazing by Christmas to look like me again! Or maybe even less than I was at the beginning of pregnancy. But right now, I'm worried about my child's health and hoping that he is gaining enough weight. He lets me know when he's hungry all right!

Ahhh, well, this time I think my depression is really starting to phase out in this pregnancy. Of course, the mood swings are still there! But I think I might be manic. Danny said it, and so did Tina, so now I'm getting paranoid. I am talking a lot lately, and really excited, a lot more energy, and I'm not as depressed. At least not as depressed as I was in the first few months of pregnancy. It's weird because I forgot what it was like to be manic. My sister jokes and says that my mind wishes my body could be manic, too. And when I'm finished pregnancy I should just come to her apartment and run my mouth like I do now and talk all of this crazy talk and then go home and rest. It is almost true, that's the funny part. I'm sure if I wasn't pregnant and going through all of these pregnancy symptoms I would be out every single night. Danny calls me "Manic Mary" and jokes that he wishes he had a normal pregnant girlfriend who was tired by 10 o'clock and ready to go to sleep. Instead, I'm ready to go out and do something and won't shut up until 1 o'clock in the morning.

God knew what He was doing when He made me pregnant. I figure it went something like this.

"So Lucifer, you think Trinity will be out of control forever?"
"Well, God, she is bipolar and we both know that those who are bipolar must suffer their whole lives."
"Yes, but she's been asking me for help and I could only come up with one solution."
"What's that?"
"Well, she's not going to like it at first, that's for sure. In fact, I think she will suffer a great depression."
"Ooooh goody! And then like everyone else down there, she'll turn her back on you!"
"No, I have much more faith in her than that. It will be tough for her. But if she pulls it through, she will have something wonderful for the rest of her life. Plus, I figure her love for Danny is extraordinary. They need to truly mend their love."
"Noooooo. I know where you are headed with this!"
"Are you sure?"
"Ooooh, can I do it to her!? Please. She's moving into the city's Sodom and Gomorrah right now, too. What perfect timing! She's definitely fail. You'll see."
"Well, I have much more faith in her."
"Yes, but she's cursed. She is BIPOLAR."
"Well, this is the only solution I can think of."
"I guess we'll see in the next forty weeks. When are you thinking of bestowing this upon her?"
"Well, it's the beginning of March now. Her mother's birthday is coming up on the 14th and I'm sure she will see Dan."
"Can I do the honors?"
"Of course, not! I am the Almighty."
"Pretty please????"
"No."
"Can I do anything?"
"Yes, you can watch for the next forty weeks while she proves everyone, including yourself, wrong!"
"I highly doubt it. She is pretty crazy."
"You'll see."

WELL, maybe that's a bit of a stretch. But I'm sure the conversation went something like that. And poof! A baby was made. And to be honest, this baby saved my life.

Seeking Out the Good: 35 Weeks, 5 days

2009-11-06T08:47:00.003-05:00

Friday, November 6, 2009

It's such an amazement (to me) as to when things are at their toughest, we tend to seek out the good things in life. On the contrary, when life is smooth sailing, we couldn't complain more.

Last night, I was on the verge of suffering from a minor panic attack again when I realized that I just didn't have the energy. May sounds strange to some, but I just wasn't in the mood to be sad. Over the past nine months I have cried so many tears that it would be impossible for me to re-create the drama and sadness that I have suffered if it could be done. Night time seems to be the trigger of melancholy for me, but the entire day is usually filled with some feeling of sadness or guilt.

Years ago, I did something unforgivable to myself. I left Danny. One day out of pure mania and psychosis, I left Danny. I left the person I loved the most in my life to fulfill my own selfish desires. I had no idea that I was out of my mind, and this was before my diagnosis. I was not on medication or in therapy and I was not in touch with who I was becoming. I was out of control. Now, almost three years down the line I feel guilt. It is interesting how one day I can wake up and feel remorse for something that happened years ago. But I also was awoken, too, and now I am me again. I was sleeping for all of those years. My brain was on auto-pilot in a way.

I cry so much sometimes because my love for Danny is that strong. I think back to all of the amazing times and rough times that we have shared and I cry. I cry because I love him. I cry because I can't forgive myself for leaving him. I cry because he loved me through it all. Through the five hospital stays, through the move to Texas, through the move to DC, through the move to Indiana, through the lying, through the piano recital rehearsing at 2 a.m., through the panic attacks, through the violent attacks, through the raising of our dog, and now through our baby. I don't know how else to explain why I love him so much sometimes that it hurts me. It pains me. The only explanation I have is that I am feeling guilt from all of those years where I did him wrong and now paying for it. I deserve it. I really do.

But the day has come for me to stop all of this crying. I am tired of it. I am tired of being exhausted. I have a new life beginning very soon now, and I need my strength. I have our son. He is the reason why I am strong. He is my life. He is my new life. And through these darkest times, I am finding something positive to look towards. I have no complaints. Things can only turn around and get better from here.

Depression Kicking its way out: 35 1/2 weeks.

2009-11-05T15:55:00.002-05:00

November 5, 2009

Good news is, I'm almost 36 weeks pregnant. I have a total of 10 working days left until maternity leave! I cannot wait. Maybe this sounds so bad, but I just HATE being pregnant! It's so awful for me. It's not even the physical aspect, which is lucky for me I guess. I've had a pretty simple and easygoing pregnancy. It's almost textbook with my child always being in the 50th percentile of everything. The baby drops on the day it's supposed to. The nausea stopped the week it was supposed to. He's just doing what nature has intended for him to do.

BUT, my mental side of things is so awful. I had another panic attack last night. The phillies lost the world series and I got really upset. Well, first, I've been upset because I've watched most of the games by myself at home. If you just started reading - well I've been living by myself this entire pregnancy. As soon as I moved out of my sister's condo and into my own, I found out I was pregnant watching "Knocked Up". Therefore, I've been alone these past nine months physically. And mentally, I feel almost the same.

Danny is there for me, as much as he can be, since he is in New Jersey still living. But I can't even go to therapy much because it's too much for me to get there and by the time therapy ends I am so tired (physically). Another thing is, I don't have a car since I live smack in the center of NW, DC (1.5 miles from the White House actually) and so I have to walk everywhere or catch the bus or train. It sucks feeling stranded all of the time. I guess I could deal with those things easily if I didn't have to deal with not being on any medications now.

Being bipolar and pregnant is probably the hardest thing for a bipolar woman to have to go through. Thank God for my bipolar support group online. Those women are so strong and we have so much inner strength we don't know about, that the labor is going to be such a highlight for me! I don't care about the physical pain really.

Speaking of physical pain - I was reading up on epidurals and drugs (narcotics) during the labor and birthing and realized the effects on the baby. Of course, the book I have been reading is truly one-sided, but it's nice to see that other side. Women have been giving birth for millions of years now and I know I can go natural if I really wanted to. Since I have been scared about taking medications this entire pregnancy (being off all 9) for my bipolar, I think I am now scared about taking medications during the labor and birthing stages.

It's funny how they say mind over matter. I really believe in that though! I do have an extremely high pain tolerance, so who knows what I'll be like?

As for my mental stability right now, I am so in baby world and so happy about how my baby shower turned out (I GOT EVERYTHING - there is nothing I did not get! I think only the changing table pad from Pottery Barn Kids, the bassinet fitted sheets, and the crib sheets. BUT - i have enough gift certificates to cover it. ) and I have another baby shower through work on the 17th. Danny's baby shower was great, too! We threw him a surprise one (his mother and I) and got 2,148 diapers to show for it!!!!!! So I'm definitely not worried about having things.

That eases my mind.

Right now I'm starting to worry about postpartum. I have a high likelihood that I will suffer from it being bipolar, but with God's help and the inner strength He has given me - I think I can pull it through.

Cheers everyone!
Trinity

UPDATES:
Got the H1N1 vaccine and the seasonal flu vaccine in the last month.
I also went to my first labor and birthing class - almost 9 hours long (including a tour of the maternity ward) with Danny.
Tonight I have my Breastfeeding Class.
Got pregnancy photos done at 33 weeks. They are amazing!
Have a total of 3 baby showers. Got everything the baby, daddy, and I need!

Pregnancy Photos: 33 weeks

2009-11-05T15:40:00.005-05:00

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Photos courtesy of Caitlin Tromiczak. Taken right at 33 weeks.

BABY SHOWER PICTURES! 33 weeks, 6 days

2009-11-05T15:30:00.003-05:00

Saturday, October 24, 2009

http://www.kodakgallery.com/gallery/creativeapps/slideShow/Main.jsp?token=364790937113%3A720712236

32 weeks, 2 days

2009-11-05T15:29:00.001-05:00

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

October 13th

Yeah, I can’t f*cking sleep right now. I’m having like a semi-panic attack and debating on whether or not to take a valium. But I have such a long week ahead of me (until this weekend’s babymoon the bf planned). Today was one of those days at work where everything seems to fall apart and I had no one there for me.

Sometimes I get so damn lonely I start talking to my belly, but tonight was horrible. I’ve just been crying NON STOP and things seem to get progressively better and then as soon as the light hits I hit rock bottom. I HATE being bipolar. I really do. And right now, at least for the entire pregnancy I have just been depressed. The boyfriend is such a wonderful person, but he doesn’t get it, you know? No one does, except for other bipolar and pregnant women. And I don’t have any of those around me physically.

Well, anyway, I’m such a Debbie Downer right now. I just need to go to bed or at least try to and then just wake up refreshed. I’ve been on facebook all night staring at other people’s lives and figuring how much better it is to be them. And KNOWING that I’m right. I just hope that someday it gets easier, but I’m starting to overwhelm myself with past mistakes and possible future post-partum.

How are you doing? I hope much better.

I do have some good news, but I’ll wait on that.

Trinity

Running Article: 30 weeks, 5 days

2009-11-05T15:28:00.000-05:00

October 1st

I just want this pregnancy to hurry up so I can get to the end result. This depression is starting to physically hurt.

And for anyone who is up to reading this, this is a great article. I honestly think she suffers from bipolar, but you can read for yourself. I’m a runner as well.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/09/14/AR2009091402163.html?hpid=artslot

Trinity

Things are starting to look up: 26 weeks, 2 days

2009-11-05T15:27:00.002-05:00

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I just wanted to thank everyone who has been praying for me. It's funny because now that I'm starting to feel somewhat better mentally, this ligament stretching in the 7th month is awful! Just painful throughout the entire day!   The boyfriend told me last night that I'm not annoying him and that we're in this together. My pain is our pain. I thought that that was probably the nicest thing he's ever said to me. Of course, as hormonal as I am I started crying!   My 25th birthday was this past Monday and I treated myself to a foot massage, getting my nails done, and watching football. I had an amazing day and thanks to you all and your prayers I am getting through this fight daily.  

THANK YOU AGAIN!!!!!  

Love, 

Trinity

Letter to Pdoc: 25 1/2 weeks

2009-11-05T15:25:00.002-05:00

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Hi Bob*,

I've been reading a lot lately about alternatives for Lithium, Lamictal, Zyprexa, Wellbutrin, basically any medication that is known to treat bipolar disorder. The Deplin you gave me I finally tried and I think it may be helping - 7.5mg. I've also heard from other bipolar pregnant women that it very helpful, as well as increasing Omega 3 fish oils. Do you know anything about that?

I have been reading success stories of bipolar patients who were off of medication but decided to change their diet/lifestyle completely and took other means of vitamins and supplements instead of Lithium or Wellbutrin. In fact, many of the people also complained of the similar side effects I was suffering while on them - manic, cotton mouth, and some even had tumors showing up in their mammary glands.

I know that our appointment isn't until September, so I thought maybe you could research this a little further and see what you can come up with before our next appointment - which is, September 8th or 9th? Please remind me of the date. Also, as for a payment plan for you - we can discuss that at the September appointment if you'd like.

I'm excited to see what you have in mind because I really do not want to go on medications during pregnancy, but I do want to feel better. I have been feeling very depressed lately. I also joined two online support groups for Bipolar and Pregnant women which is also a great place to find out information and also to share what I'm feeling daily with women who understand.

Email me back at your convenience.

Tara

*name of doctor changed

24 weeks, 1 day: Depression Hurts

2009-11-05T15:24:00.001-05:00

Monday, August 17, 2009

I turned 24 weeks yesterday and I'm lonelier and depressed more than I've ever been. Self-mutilation is not an option and it's hard on me because my boyfriend works opposite hours of me and is asleep when I need him most.   

I'm finding pregnancy more and more difficult as time goes on and I really am not going on medications. What the hell do I do in this matter? Not to sound like I'm going off the deep end, but that's exactly what it feels like. It's almost as if I need to pinch or slap myself every hour just to make sure that this is really what my life has turned into. I keep seeing happy pregnant women everywhere and families that are together. And I just don't have that. I'm so sad and I go home to myself. I'm starting to go on and on, but I don't know who to turn to or who to really talk to.   

Someone help.  

Trinity

Joined a Bipolar Online Support Group: 22 weeks, 4 days

2009-11-05T15:22:00.001-05:00

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Hello everyone,  

I'm new to this group and very scared to be sharing my privacy with a bunch of strangers - which should be okay, right? I am almost 6 months pregnant and I am seriously depressed. When I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of April I cried for a few days. Then I went on to find out that the father, the person I have loved for the last 10 years, was seeing another woman. Of course, I was devastated, but things were all unplanned.  

They tell you to plan your pregnancy when you're bipolar, but hell I was definitely manic when I became pregnant and wasn't thinking with the best intentions.   Now I see it as a blessing. I was taken off ALL medications in 2 weeks time the minute I found out through my Genetic and Toxic Counselor which medications were harmful to the baby. I saw my doctor and he was crazy and just took me right off. The meds I was on were: Lithium, Lamictal, Depakote, Abilify, Trazadone, Seroquel, Klonopin, Valium.  

Afterwards I decided to keep the baby.  

The beginning of June I couldn't take it anymore when the baby's father wouldn't discontinue seeing the other woman and I checked myself into the nearby hospital here in the city for a week's time. Since the first day I found out I was pregnant I have been really suffering from depression. It's crazy because I have been manic more than depressed over the last 4 years.   

Currently, the baby's father and I are back together and very happy, but I am still depressed. I live a few states away from him and don't trust him 100% yet and I am also extremely lonely. On top of being pregnant and bipolar, I am unwed and living by myself.   

Did anyone go through something similar? Does anyone know how to cope with depression during pregnancy without medication?  

Please let me know, I'd really appreciate it. I'm also very glad to be a part of this support group. I needed something like this for quite some time.

Another single mother: 21 weeks

2009-11-05T15:21:00.000-05:00

July 28-31 – Week 21

Hello my beauties! Tara and J*, I have been meaning to put you in

touch with one another for quite some time now!

Tara, Amy just told me you're having a boy! Congrats!!! That's

amazing. J has a baby boy named ****. The CUTEST baby!!

Love you both!

-Sarah

*Not her name, covered it for protection.

Hi J*,

This is Tara AKA Trinity. I'm 5 1/2 months expecting a little baby boy. I'm very excited because all I need in life is less drama! And boys seem to do that for me. Well, I was speaking to Sarah a few months back and she was telling me that she had a friend who was also single while she was pregnant--you. I guess I don't know many single women who are pregnant and it's just very hard for me living by myself and doing much of this by myself. I JUST got back with my boyfriend about a month and a half ago - but he's still in NJ and I still don't trust him 100% yet because I guess I'm just lonely all of the time. I don't know what your situation really was. But I know in mine it was hard at the time because for the first trimester while I was painstakingly sick and going through a lot he was seeing another girl. He found out I was pregnant and continued to see her more. The perfect wonderful man I knew all of these years completely turned on me when I needed him most. After he heard the baby's heartbeat for the first time (14 weeks pregnant) he pretty much stopped seeing the girl. But indeed, she's been a nightmare! She found out my number and has texted me numerous times. She got one of her male friends to actually call Danny up and harass him one night with many lies about me and she has passed around a lot of rumors about me. All the while, I'm in DC and she's in NJ - the same town as him. Yours was probably not filled with this much drama, but I'm telling you it's just really hard being by myself. Even though I know he's there for me, he's still not physically here and my support system down in DC isn't the strongest. I guess I'm just blabbering now, but I'm wondering (baby just kicked) what you did to get through pregnancy sane! It's already crazy to begin with, plus added loneliness isn't always good.

I also didn't really tell Post all of this, so I don't know - wow, I just spilled out a lot to a perfectly good stranger. I AM hormonal! Hahaha. Hope all's well with you and congratulations on Wade. How old is he now? Aren't you married now as well?

Hope to hear from you in the near future.

Trinity

Helllooo sorry I have't written back in a while, I kept checking my other email- well, I can understand doing that whole spilling the beans thing- you need to talk and get all of it out of your system! I'm sure you felt slightly better after you got it off of your chest even if it was just an email. I'll tall you alot of things got me though my pregnancy and even though my boyfriend was in town he wasn't to keen on the idea of being a dad until almost up until the fact. Shoot- he was cought smoking pot after the fact- so even after Wade was born it took him a looong time to grow up. I don't know if Sarah told you, I had drama somewhat like you did, but uhh, every situation is different. I've had a tough life, mostly of my own doing, so what I got I desreved because I didn't listen to my better judgement, or my christian upbringing to stop the madness-to say...My husband now, yes we just got married June 27th, is write younger than me, and we had to go through alot of judgement in the beginning just because of that- uhh and then Wade came wow,,not an easy road for us, and we had split up for a while as well, he cheated but we had been on the rocks then too... we had only been back together for like 2 months when I found out I was pregnant. I knew immediatly that I was, but i didn' t tell anyone for almost a month. Byt then I had made up my mind and that was only because I felt the Lord leading me to do so, and I wanted to trust in Him and it was the best thing that ever happened to me, with or without my now husband, Hunter. But this is only the tip of the iceberg with my story. I think I'm going to write a book about it, becaus Lord I have had enough drama in my life for them to make a soap opera ;-) well, I think you should call me, that way if the loneliness ever gets after you, you know you have some one you can call who has been though it, maybe not wuite the same but closer than anyone else. Plus, we won't have to sit in front of the screen going crosseyed and spending extra money on eye drops to keep our eyes from going dry. i'm a dork- You'll have to excuse my humor.- Hope all is well at the present, EAT and APPLE A DAY!!!! it is true what they say-- and eat one meal of fish a week, it DOES help them to be disciplined easier and I believe it definetly helps their brain to develop better...probably why they follow directions better and learn easier. My son is almost 2, his birth day is Sept 1st--I know, labor day weekend...funny, funny. Well, call me anytime, my cell is ********** if I don't pick up the 1st time its cuz I don't recognize the number and I think its some spanish dude calling me again...another story for a later date—j

You are too freakin' hilarious! I'm like laughing and crying all at the same time because it's like God put me in touch with you. I did feel GREAT after i wrote those words to you, even if you never wrote back just because I really did need to get it out. And no one understands. Even though I don't know your whole story yet, I am feeling the exact same way you probably did. I feel like I deserve all of these things because I wasn't the best girlfriend to Danny in the past. But at the same time, things are getting better, but the bitch (excuse my french) is getting worse in my life. She had the nerve to actually contact me and put me down last week. The girl he used to talk to while he found out I was pregnant. I don't know how to deal with her. And trust is an issue. Oh God, I just want to scream and cry. People who don't know what it's like to go through hell and pain (emotional) on top of the already physical drama really just don't understand what I'm going through and dealing with.

Thank God Danny is becoming a better partner, friend, parent, the whole bit, because if it kept going and getting worse I don't know what I would have done.

I will give you a call, because I need to. I'll punch in your number after I get done this email. I'll see if I can't call you tomorrow, I will next week. Next week I'm alone in DC for the week, no family around or friends. Everyone's pretty much gone on vacation. So I'm alone with my thoughts - the Devil's playground.

Also, one more thing. June 27th is Dan's (the father) birthday. And August 31st (day before your son's) is my birthday. I was laughing when I read your email and saw those dates!

Have a great weekend and congratulations to you and how you got through everything. I'll tell you one thing - everything happens for a reason and I think I'm going to have future struggles or something in my life because God is definitely preparing me to be a strong woman.

Love,

Trin

oh my jeez- I am horrible at checking this email account- I have 1033 unread messages- save this email account - I check that one almost everyday. I feel terrible! I didn't see if you called that week, I am so sorry if you called and I didn't pick up- but I didn't hear a message, so hopefully I am not too bad a person. We're closing on the house next week so I can FINALLY be with my husband for real now. Lord- we get married in june and we still don't get to be with each other for 2 months- well i hope everything is going well with you and the crazy loon girl isn't making things any harder than it has to be. She'll be a mom someday and regret what she's done, and if she doesn't become a mom than it was best that she didn't. Either way it will come back to her. I started working again- I'm a special education teacher- i can't remember if i told you that or not... but the kids came back this week and I think i might have a better year than last year's bunch. Here's to hoping! TTYL-j

Power of Attorney: 20 weeks, 5-6 days

2009-11-05T15:19:00.000-05:00

July 24-25:

Hi Fred*,

I spoke with Dan about this. As I was reading my book, "Bipolar and Pregnant", it began by saying that any woman who is pregnant and suffers from bipolar should automatically get a Mental Health Power of Attorney and allot someone in her life (in my case, Dan) to have the ability to place her in the custody and care of a mental hospital if needed without her consent throughout her entire pregnancy and six weeks after. I am sure that this varies from state to state, but I was wondering if you knew anything about this.

Dan said that he would like to have this power and thinks that it is a good idea. This week my mood swings were pretty out of control. I was calm one minute, happy and ecstatic the next, and then not really wanting to live. All I want is to be a good mother and if this is something that will help my family out, I will be more than happy to do it and give up some of my freedom to check myself into a hospital if need be. I also think that this would be good since I am off of the lithium right now and am not taking any medication for my condition.

Let me know your thoughts on this. And do you know where I could obtain this legal document?

Thanks,

Tara

*name of my therapist hidden

Tara,

I had attended an updated Ethics Training course in June 2009 and the power of attorney has become a requirement for all clients to become knowledgeable about and it is highly recommended that all clients with psychiatric conditions, such as major depression, bipolar, etc. exercise this power of attorney for their benefits. We can discuss this matter further this week. I strongly recommended that you and Dan exercise this ASAP for everyone’s benefit. I am very proud of your insights and compassion. Keep up the great work.

Fred

11 weeks, 2 days

2009-11-05T15:16:00.000-05:00

May 19th letter from my friend, Danielle on Facebook. I had to keep reading the italicized paragraph to get me through a lot of things during that time.

"shut the f*ckkkkk up! congratttts! wait why the hell is he talking to that ugly girl still if your preggo?? im not friends with her- dont reallt know her but i remember seeing her in HS! wait i seen danny the other night and it did seem like something was on his mind. Ahhh congrats! so excited for u! i wont tell anyone i promise! thats ur news to tell everyone! 3 mos so you should be over the whole morning sickness thing right? wow my spelling/ punctuation is always way off when im excited!!!!! haha good luck tomorrow! im not sure what im doing this weekend, saturday i have a bachelorette party ( my older brother is getting married next week) soo ill prolly be busy with all that.. i was supposed to go with britt to OCMD but i had to cancel due to being preggo haah"

honestly i don't know much i never go out anymore, but the other night jarid had a party & she was there playing beer pong with danny and i didnt ask any1 if they were talking or anything but i could tell they were flirting?? but i had some shit goin on that night so i wasnt paying attention too much i was just kinda thinking in my head- who the fuck is this girl ya know. but pats parents are away so me and donald stopped by there so he could play spades or whatever and danny was literally there for 5 mins n then he took off.. not really saying goodbye or anything he just peaced out and while he was there he was just reeallly quiet, texting on his phone. not the normal happpy outgoing danny ya know??

all i can tell you is- you have 9 years and a baby on the way, this girl doesnt stand a chance. i know at the moment it seems like the world is prolly crashing around you- because i have been there and i know how stressful it can be and ur right that kind of stress is No gooood for a baby or the baby mama lol from the outside looking in, uu have nothing to worry about, but im sure if i were u thats all id be worrying about too. sooo RELAXXXX and think about how many other girls/ guys that have came & went in the past 9 years- they never stood a chance. and neither does she xox

but for real no smoking/drinking/tanning basically doing NONE of the things in life that bring me joy, suckssssssss- but atleast we are both young and blah blah haha right now i just want a cigg lol but when this is all done with, we will both have a lil baby to bring a smile to our face, at the slightest move.

Helpful Tips for Bipolar Pregnancy: 19 weeks, 4 days

2009-11-05T14:20:00.001-05:00

A letter from an anonymous friend when I was just about 5 months along.

HI,

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond it's been a weird couple weeks for me. I'm just now coming out of a depression.

Congrats on your pregnancy. There are a couple of things that helped me manage the emotions of pregnancy:
1. Remembering that being emotional is normal during any pregnancy whether you are bipolar or not. My non bipolar friends experience emotional roller coasters to due to the pregnancy hormones.
2. Keep your stress levels in check.
3. Exercise, exercise, exercise. It will help with mood stabilization and is good for you and the baby
4. Omega3 fatty acid supplements. It is a known mood stabilizer. And studies show it is helpful for your babies brain development so it is win-win for everyone. And it is natural - you can get omega from fish or flaxseed.
5. Get a support system. Surround yourself with people that care about you and who you can talk to about how you are feeling. My sister was a great support for me when I was pregnant. I would call her whenever I needed to talk and she was always there for me.
6. Stick with the therapy it makes a big difference.
7. Talk with doctors about what meds would be safe. There are safe meds. I was med-free the first trimester and then went back on a low-dose of lamictal. My doctors and I both reviewed the literature and determined it to be safe during the second and third trimester. Drugs like Depakote are known to not be compatible with pregnancy so you wouldn't be able to go back on that. But maybe your doctor will consider Lamictal

I recommend the following books - Panic Free Pregnancy, Moods when you are expecting. I've written about them in my blog look under recommended reading.

Hope this helps.

Keep in touch. I'd be happy to answer any questions you have and help support you during this time.

Frustrated: 26 weeks, 4 days

2009-09-03T11:16:00.000-04:00

I know that not everything is perfect, but sometimes I wish my boyfriend could be more understanding. Sure, he's great and wonderful. Actually the other day he said the nicest thing - "This is not your pain, it's our pain." He was referring to when I was depressed because I told him to not worry about it and just go have fun with his friends who were over. But he said that he wouldn't have been able to enjoy it knowing that I was feeling so down.

But lately he can be so abrupt from time to time that he makes me feel bad and regretful for coming to him. I know that he is extremely short-tempered, but I am also very sensitive to begin with and on top of that I am pregnant and hormonal and on top of that I am struggling with my bipolar so much that this depression likes to kick my ass.

With all of those factors in my life I am still trying my best to smile behind my tears and am doing a pretty good job of it as well.

Today is a big day. My sister has a biopsy she's going through and my friend, Jimmy's bipolar is overtaking him. His medication just got changes once again. I don't even know if he got his blood tests done! Oh well. Who knows what's going on. I woke up two hours late today. Thanks to my boyfriend who called me, if not, I would've never woken up.

I am so not in a good mood today. I wish I could just snap out of it, but I can't. Maybe lunch will help. Food's always good for me.

24 weeks, 3 days

2009-08-19T10:19:00.000-04:00

Depression. It's a killer when you're pregnant.

I've thought for months about blogging about my pregnancy and seeing if it could possibly help anyone else out. Who knows? If it does, it does. I know that there are many other women out there who are suffering the same as I do. One of the main differences is that I am too stubborn to go back on medications. Racing thoughts are what's killing me. Will my baby be born addicted? Go through withdrawal? Brain damage? Will they have a cleft I see on the TV commercials?

I have other worries too. Will my son also be bipolar? Will he suffer like I do in the coming years? How would I handle it if he did?

Just to keep you up-to-date, my mood for the last few months has been depressed. I checked myself into the local hospital's psych ward for a week's time in early June. June 8-11. I really broke down. I will update you later on about that. I was on medication prior to pregnancy for bipolar, the medications were:

-Lithium

-Depakote

-Lamictal

-Abilify

-Zyprexa

-Klonopin

-Valium

-Seroquel

-Trazadone

I was also on Synthroid for my hypothyroid, 50mcgs which was bumped up to 75 mcgs during pregnancy.

I suffered from withdrawal after stopping all medications within 3 weeks after finding out that I was pregnant and speaking to both my psychiatrist and a Toxic & Genetic Specialist at the local children's hospital.

But who knew I would stop smoking cigarettes (a pack a day), hookah (3 times a day), and weed cold turkey? And stop drinking as well. I can't even do a glass of wine anymore - it's terrible. At first pregnancy seemed like a crazy idea for me. I was single, not even with my boyfriend at the time. I live in a bachelor's pad in the city away from family and pay a crazy amount for it. I am nowhere's in sight of where I want to be with my career. And lastly, I suffer from Bipolar I. I was diagnosed when I was 22 years old and again (when it got through to me) at 23 years old. I am a week and a half from being 25 years old.

God certainly knew what He was doing when I became pregnant. I still remember, it was April 7th and I was watching HBO at home by my lonesome - "Knocked Up". It was almost in sync that she was vomitting in the movie that I was vomitting, too. The next day I took myself to Target and took 4 urine tests. It was official. I was a mommy. I called up the father and told him right away. He sounded shocked. I cried for hours that day. I also happened to have a psychiatrist appointment that day with my oldest sister and I informed everyone loudly in a maniac sort of a way that I was PREGNANT! No one looked happy.

You see the movies and you see the shows where people tell their loved ones that they are pregnant and everyone cries tears of joy and becomes happy for that woman and her husband. NOT ME. Exactly the opposite. Everyone had fear - and who to blame them? I was a wreck! Either manic or depressed, drinking and smoking uncontrollably, on a million different meds, and just not in the right state of mind to become a mother.

The next day I smoke my last cigarette goodbye and from that day forward I was a mother.

Unlike people's initial expectations, I proved everyone wrong. Even myself. I found inner strength I didn't know existed and I longed to please the baby that God had given me. It was truly a blessing. I don't know where I would even be TODAY if God didn't bless me. This little blessing in disguise had stopped his mommy from cutting, beating herself up physically, eating take-out each night, drinking, smoking, and from being overmedicated. He still doesn't know the wonders that that did to her health.

Even though all of these wonderful things happened, I'm still depressed. People ask me why, and I really can't pinpoint an exact reason. What I do know is that I am lonely. I know that pregnancy brings on tremendous amounts of fear and anxiety for the typical woman. But for someone who suffers from bipolar, it can bring on such a great amount of depression.

Each day I take fish oil pills - 1000mgs, and folate. I'm looking into Deplin 7.5mgs possibly of Folate - which I heard could work well with me. And these are both safe for the baby. And also helpful to the baby. Which is a win/win situation. Other things I do are work out daily/weekly, compose music (I'm a musician), and keep myself extremely busy at work.

I've joined two support groups online and also see a therapist once or twice a week concentrating mainly on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I also do a couple session once a month with my boyfriend. I'm trying really hard, but I try reaching out to others who are going through the same thing.

The end seems like it's nowhere in sight - like I was speaking to another woman about the other day. But I have to start thinking positive.

Trinity