I've thought for months about blogging about my pregnancy and seeing if it could possibly help anyone else out. Who knows? If it does, it does. I know that there are many other women out there who are suffering the same as I do. One of the main differences is that I am too stubborn to go back on medications. Racing thoughts are what's killing me. Will my baby be born addicted? Go through withdrawal? Brain damage? Will they have a cleft I see on the TV commercials?
I have other worries too. Will my son also be bipolar? Will he suffer like I do in the coming years? How would I handle it if he did?
Just to keep you up-to-date, my mood for the last few months has been depressed. I checked myself into the local hospital's psych ward for a week's time in early June. June 8-11. I really broke down. I will update you later on about that. I was on medication prior to pregnancy for bipolar, the medications were:
-Lithium
-Depakote
-Lamictal
-Abilify
-Zyprexa
-Klonopin
-Valium
-Seroquel
-Trazadone
I was also on Synthroid for my hypothyroid, 50mcgs which was bumped up to 75 mcgs during pregnancy.
I suffered from withdrawal after stopping all medications within 3 weeks after finding out that I was pregnant and speaking to both my psychiatrist and a Toxic & Genetic Specialist at the local children's hospital.
But who knew I would stop smoking cigarettes (a pack a day), hookah (3 times a day), and weed cold turkey? And stop drinking as well. I can't even do a glass of wine anymore - it's terrible. At first pregnancy seemed like a crazy idea for me. I was single, not even with my boyfriend at the time. I live in a bachelor's pad in the city away from family and pay a crazy amount for it. I am nowhere's in sight of where I want to be with my career. And lastly, I suffer from Bipolar I. I was diagnosed when I was 22 years old and again (when it got through to me) at 23 years old. I am a week and a half from being 25 years old.
God certainly knew what He was doing when I became pregnant. I still remember, it was April 7th and I was watching HBO at home by my lonesome - "Knocked Up". It was almost in sync that she was vomitting in the movie that I was vomitting, too. The next day I took myself to Target and took 4 urine tests. It was official. I was a mommy. I called up the father and told him right away. He sounded shocked. I cried for hours that day. I also happened to have a psychiatrist appointment that day with my oldest sister and I informed everyone loudly in a maniac sort of a way that I was PREGNANT! No one looked happy.
You see the movies and you see the shows where people tell their loved ones that they are pregnant and everyone cries tears of joy and becomes happy for that woman and her husband. NOT ME. Exactly the opposite. Everyone had fear - and who to blame them? I was a wreck! Either manic or depressed, drinking and smoking uncontrollably, on a million different meds, and just not in the right state of mind to become a mother.
The next day I smoke my last cigarette goodbye and from that day forward I was a mother.
Unlike people's initial expectations, I proved everyone wrong. Even myself. I found inner strength I didn't know existed and I longed to please the baby that God had given me. It was truly a blessing. I don't know where I would even be TODAY if God didn't bless me. This little blessing in disguise had stopped his mommy from cutting, beating herself up physically, eating take-out each night, drinking, smoking, and from being overmedicated. He still doesn't know the wonders that that did to her health.
Even though all of these wonderful things happened, I'm still depressed. People ask me why, and I really can't pinpoint an exact reason. What I do know is that I am lonely. I know that pregnancy brings on tremendous amounts of fear and anxiety for the typical woman. But for someone who suffers from bipolar, it can bring on such a great amount of depression.
Each day I take fish oil pills - 1000mgs, and folate. I'm looking into Deplin 7.5mgs possibly of Folate - which I heard could work well with me. And these are both safe for the baby. And also helpful to the baby. Which is a win/win situation. Other things I do are work out daily/weekly, compose music (I'm a musician), and keep myself extremely busy at work.
I've joined two support groups online and also see a therapist once or twice a week concentrating mainly on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I also do a couple session once a month with my boyfriend. I'm trying really hard, but I try reaching out to others who are going through the same thing.
The end seems like it's nowhere in sight - like I was speaking to another woman about the other day. But I have to start thinking positive.
Trinity
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