More to write tomorrow.
Today I am 38 weeks pregnant. Life is coming at me fast, and I don't know if I could be any happier or any more overwhelmed. Tomorrow is the first day where I will realize that I am officially on maternity leave. I still have much more to prepare and do, and luckily my nesting instincts are stronger than ever.
My impatience is really building up inside of my core and I just don't want to play the waiting game anymore. I want to meet my son. I wish I could tell him how he saved my life. I want to tell him that he has made me a better person. To tell him how much I love him. To share with him all the wonderful details of my life and who his mother is. One day I'll tell him. For now, I must keep waiting. One step at a time.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
The Countdown Begins: 36 Weeks, 2 Days
Tuesday, November 10, 20009
I have only 26 more days to go (according to my due date) and that means I have less than 8 working days left. Right now I'm sitting at my desk at work alone in my office just thinking of what's going to happen in just a few weeks. Well, I have off tomorrow because it's Veterans Day. Then I have Thursday, Friday, and next week will be a blue. Monday is a sonogram appointment - so that means I work a half a day. Tuesday is my baby shower at work. Wednesday is another doctor's appointment for my 37th week. And then Thursday and Friday, and then I'm finished! How crazy is that?
I'm in a good mood lately because I know what's coming up very soon now - BABY! Danny is visiting DC also very often and that makes me the most happy. There's nothing like having your loving partner there for you, through thick and thin, when you're sick, when you're not feeling your happiest or prettiest or best. I love when he's there - as long as he's not SLEEPING!
Well, I can't believe how big my stomach got. I'm a little nervous though because when I was in the hospital for possible flu scare a few weeks ago (34 weeks) I lost weight and now after my 33 week appointment, I just had my first one since then yesterday (for 36 weeks) and I was 2 pounds lighter than I was at 33 weeks. That's scaring me because the doctor said that I will just gain it back. But that means I've only gained 13 pounds total now in my pregnancy. That just doesn't seem normal! That means that if the baby is around 7 pounds, hopefully everything will go right back to normal quickly, you know? That would be amazing by Christmas to look like me again! Or maybe even less than I was at the beginning of pregnancy. But right now, I'm worried about my child's health and hoping that he is gaining enough weight. He lets me know when he's hungry all right!
Ahhh, well, this time I think my depression is really starting to phase out in this pregnancy. Of course, the mood swings are still there! But I think I might be manic. Danny said it, and so did Tina, so now I'm getting paranoid. I am talking a lot lately, and really excited, a lot more energy, and I'm not as depressed. At least not as depressed as I was in the first few months of pregnancy. It's weird because I forgot what it was like to be manic. My sister jokes and says that my mind wishes my body could be manic, too. And when I'm finished pregnancy I should just come to her apartment and run my mouth like I do now and talk all of this crazy talk and then go home and rest. It is almost true, that's the funny part. I'm sure if I wasn't pregnant and going through all of these pregnancy symptoms I would be out every single night. Danny calls me "Manic Mary" and jokes that he wishes he had a normal pregnant girlfriend who was tired by 10 o'clock and ready to go to sleep. Instead, I'm ready to go out and do something and won't shut up until 1 o'clock in the morning.
God knew what He was doing when He made me pregnant. I figure it went something like this.
"So Lucifer, you think Trinity will be out of control forever?"
"Well, God, she is bipolar and we both know that those who are bipolar must suffer their whole lives."
"Yes, but she's been asking me for help and I could only come up with one solution."
"What's that?"
"Well, she's not going to like it at first, that's for sure. In fact, I think she will suffer a great depression."
"Ooooh goody! And then like everyone else down there, she'll turn her back on you!"
"No, I have much more faith in her than that. It will be tough for her. But if she pulls it through, she will have something wonderful for the rest of her life. Plus, I figure her love for Danny is extraordinary. They need to truly mend their love."
"Noooooo. I know where you are headed with this!"
"Are you sure?"
"Ooooh, can I do it to her!? Please. She's moving into the city's Sodom and Gomorrah right now, too. What perfect timing! She's definitely fail. You'll see."
"Well, I have much more faith in her."
"Yes, but she's cursed. She is BIPOLAR."
"Well, this is the only solution I can think of."
"I guess we'll see in the next forty weeks. When are you thinking of bestowing this upon her?"
"Well, it's the beginning of March now. Her mother's birthday is coming up on the 14th and I'm sure she will see Dan."
"Can I do the honors?"
"Of course, not! I am the Almighty."
"Pretty please????"
"No."
"Can I do anything?"
"Yes, you can watch for the next forty weeks while she proves everyone, including yourself, wrong!"
"I highly doubt it. She is pretty crazy."
"You'll see."
WELL, maybe that's a bit of a stretch. But I'm sure the conversation went something like that. And poof! A baby was made. And to be honest, this baby saved my life.
I have only 26 more days to go (according to my due date) and that means I have less than 8 working days left. Right now I'm sitting at my desk at work alone in my office just thinking of what's going to happen in just a few weeks. Well, I have off tomorrow because it's Veterans Day. Then I have Thursday, Friday, and next week will be a blue. Monday is a sonogram appointment - so that means I work a half a day. Tuesday is my baby shower at work. Wednesday is another doctor's appointment for my 37th week. And then Thursday and Friday, and then I'm finished! How crazy is that?
I'm in a good mood lately because I know what's coming up very soon now - BABY! Danny is visiting DC also very often and that makes me the most happy. There's nothing like having your loving partner there for you, through thick and thin, when you're sick, when you're not feeling your happiest or prettiest or best. I love when he's there - as long as he's not SLEEPING!
Well, I can't believe how big my stomach got. I'm a little nervous though because when I was in the hospital for possible flu scare a few weeks ago (34 weeks) I lost weight and now after my 33 week appointment, I just had my first one since then yesterday (for 36 weeks) and I was 2 pounds lighter than I was at 33 weeks. That's scaring me because the doctor said that I will just gain it back. But that means I've only gained 13 pounds total now in my pregnancy. That just doesn't seem normal! That means that if the baby is around 7 pounds, hopefully everything will go right back to normal quickly, you know? That would be amazing by Christmas to look like me again! Or maybe even less than I was at the beginning of pregnancy. But right now, I'm worried about my child's health and hoping that he is gaining enough weight. He lets me know when he's hungry all right!
Ahhh, well, this time I think my depression is really starting to phase out in this pregnancy. Of course, the mood swings are still there! But I think I might be manic. Danny said it, and so did Tina, so now I'm getting paranoid. I am talking a lot lately, and really excited, a lot more energy, and I'm not as depressed. At least not as depressed as I was in the first few months of pregnancy. It's weird because I forgot what it was like to be manic. My sister jokes and says that my mind wishes my body could be manic, too. And when I'm finished pregnancy I should just come to her apartment and run my mouth like I do now and talk all of this crazy talk and then go home and rest. It is almost true, that's the funny part. I'm sure if I wasn't pregnant and going through all of these pregnancy symptoms I would be out every single night. Danny calls me "Manic Mary" and jokes that he wishes he had a normal pregnant girlfriend who was tired by 10 o'clock and ready to go to sleep. Instead, I'm ready to go out and do something and won't shut up until 1 o'clock in the morning.
God knew what He was doing when He made me pregnant. I figure it went something like this.
"So Lucifer, you think Trinity will be out of control forever?"
"Well, God, she is bipolar and we both know that those who are bipolar must suffer their whole lives."
"Yes, but she's been asking me for help and I could only come up with one solution."
"What's that?"
"Well, she's not going to like it at first, that's for sure. In fact, I think she will suffer a great depression."
"Ooooh goody! And then like everyone else down there, she'll turn her back on you!"
"No, I have much more faith in her than that. It will be tough for her. But if she pulls it through, she will have something wonderful for the rest of her life. Plus, I figure her love for Danny is extraordinary. They need to truly mend their love."
"Noooooo. I know where you are headed with this!"
"Are you sure?"
"Ooooh, can I do it to her!? Please. She's moving into the city's Sodom and Gomorrah right now, too. What perfect timing! She's definitely fail. You'll see."
"Well, I have much more faith in her."
"Yes, but she's cursed. She is BIPOLAR."
"Well, this is the only solution I can think of."
"I guess we'll see in the next forty weeks. When are you thinking of bestowing this upon her?"
"Well, it's the beginning of March now. Her mother's birthday is coming up on the 14th and I'm sure she will see Dan."
"Can I do the honors?"
"Of course, not! I am the Almighty."
"Pretty please????"
"No."
"Can I do anything?"
"Yes, you can watch for the next forty weeks while she proves everyone, including yourself, wrong!"
"I highly doubt it. She is pretty crazy."
"You'll see."
WELL, maybe that's a bit of a stretch. But I'm sure the conversation went something like that. And poof! A baby was made. And to be honest, this baby saved my life.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Seeking Out the Good: 35 Weeks, 5 days
Friday, November 6, 2009
It's such an amazement (to me) as to when things are at their toughest, we tend to seek out the good things in life. On the contrary, when life is smooth sailing, we couldn't complain more.
Last night, I was on the verge of suffering from a minor panic attack again when I realized that I just didn't have the energy. May sounds strange to some, but I just wasn't in the mood to be sad. Over the past nine months I have cried so many tears that it would be impossible for me to re-create the drama and sadness that I have suffered if it could be done. Night time seems to be the trigger of melancholy for me, but the entire day is usually filled with some feeling of sadness or guilt.
Years ago, I did something unforgivable to myself. I left Danny. One day out of pure mania and psychosis, I left Danny. I left the person I loved the most in my life to fulfill my own selfish desires. I had no idea that I was out of my mind, and this was before my diagnosis. I was not on medication or in therapy and I was not in touch with who I was becoming. I was out of control. Now, almost three years down the line I feel guilt. It is interesting how one day I can wake up and feel remorse for something that happened years ago. But I also was awoken, too, and now I am me again. I was sleeping for all of those years. My brain was on auto-pilot in a way.
I cry so much sometimes because my love for Danny is that strong. I think back to all of the amazing times and rough times that we have shared and I cry. I cry because I love him. I cry because I can't forgive myself for leaving him. I cry because he loved me through it all. Through the five hospital stays, through the move to Texas, through the move to DC, through the move to Indiana, through the lying, through the piano recital rehearsing at 2 a.m., through the panic attacks, through the violent attacks, through the raising of our dog, and now through our baby. I don't know how else to explain why I love him so much sometimes that it hurts me. It pains me. The only explanation I have is that I am feeling guilt from all of those years where I did him wrong and now paying for it. I deserve it. I really do.
But the day has come for me to stop all of this crying. I am tired of it. I am tired of being exhausted. I have a new life beginning very soon now, and I need my strength. I have our son. He is the reason why I am strong. He is my life. He is my new life. And through these darkest times, I am finding something positive to look towards. I have no complaints. Things can only turn around and get better from here.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Depression Kicking its way out: 35 1/2 weeks.
November 5, 2009
Good news is, I'm almost 36 weeks pregnant. I have a total of 10 working days left until maternity leave! I cannot wait. Maybe this sounds so bad, but I just HATE being pregnant! It's so awful for me. It's not even the physical aspect, which is lucky for me I guess. I've had a pretty simple and easygoing pregnancy. It's almost textbook with my child always being in the 50th percentile of everything. The baby drops on the day it's supposed to. The nausea stopped the week it was supposed to. He's just doing what nature has intended for him to do.
BUT, my mental side of things is so awful. I had another panic attack last night. The phillies lost the world series and I got really upset. Well, first, I've been upset because I've watched most of the games by myself at home. If you just started reading - well I've been living by myself this entire pregnancy. As soon as I moved out of my sister's condo and into my own, I found out I was pregnant watching "Knocked Up". Therefore, I've been alone these past nine months physically. And mentally, I feel almost the same.
Danny is there for me, as much as he can be, since he is in New Jersey still living. But I can't even go to therapy much because it's too much for me to get there and by the time therapy ends I am so tired (physically). Another thing is, I don't have a car since I live smack in the center of NW, DC (1.5 miles from the White House actually) and so I have to walk everywhere or catch the bus or train. It sucks feeling stranded all of the time. I guess I could deal with those things easily if I didn't have to deal with not being on any medications now.
Being bipolar and pregnant is probably the hardest thing for a bipolar woman to have to go through. Thank God for my bipolar support group online. Those women are so strong and we have so much inner strength we don't know about, that the labor is going to be such a highlight for me! I don't care about the physical pain really.
Speaking of physical pain - I was reading up on epidurals and drugs (narcotics) during the labor and birthing and realized the effects on the baby. Of course, the book I have been reading is truly one-sided, but it's nice to see that other side. Women have been giving birth for millions of years now and I know I can go natural if I really wanted to. Since I have been scared about taking medications this entire pregnancy (being off all 9) for my bipolar, I think I am now scared about taking medications during the labor and birthing stages.
It's funny how they say mind over matter. I really believe in that though! I do have an extremely high pain tolerance, so who knows what I'll be like?
As for my mental stability right now, I am so in baby world and so happy about how my baby shower turned out (I GOT EVERYTHING - there is nothing I did not get! I think only the changing table pad from Pottery Barn Kids, the bassinet fitted sheets, and the crib sheets. BUT - i have enough gift certificates to cover it. ) and I have another baby shower through work on the 17th. Danny's baby shower was great, too! We threw him a surprise one (his mother and I) and got 2,148 diapers to show for it!!!!!! So I'm definitely not worried about having things.
That eases my mind.
Right now I'm starting to worry about postpartum. I have a high likelihood that I will suffer from it being bipolar, but with God's help and the inner strength He has given me - I think I can pull it through.
Cheers everyone!
Trinity
UPDATES:
Got the H1N1 vaccine and the seasonal flu vaccine in the last month.
I also went to my first labor and birthing class - almost 9 hours long (including a tour of the maternity ward) with Danny.
Tonight I have my Breastfeeding Class.
Got pregnancy photos done at 33 weeks. They are amazing!
Have a total of 3 baby showers. Got everything the baby, daddy, and I need!
Good news is, I'm almost 36 weeks pregnant. I have a total of 10 working days left until maternity leave! I cannot wait. Maybe this sounds so bad, but I just HATE being pregnant! It's so awful for me. It's not even the physical aspect, which is lucky for me I guess. I've had a pretty simple and easygoing pregnancy. It's almost textbook with my child always being in the 50th percentile of everything. The baby drops on the day it's supposed to. The nausea stopped the week it was supposed to. He's just doing what nature has intended for him to do.
BUT, my mental side of things is so awful. I had another panic attack last night. The phillies lost the world series and I got really upset. Well, first, I've been upset because I've watched most of the games by myself at home. If you just started reading - well I've been living by myself this entire pregnancy. As soon as I moved out of my sister's condo and into my own, I found out I was pregnant watching "Knocked Up". Therefore, I've been alone these past nine months physically. And mentally, I feel almost the same.
Danny is there for me, as much as he can be, since he is in New Jersey still living. But I can't even go to therapy much because it's too much for me to get there and by the time therapy ends I am so tired (physically). Another thing is, I don't have a car since I live smack in the center of NW, DC (1.5 miles from the White House actually) and so I have to walk everywhere or catch the bus or train. It sucks feeling stranded all of the time. I guess I could deal with those things easily if I didn't have to deal with not being on any medications now.
Being bipolar and pregnant is probably the hardest thing for a bipolar woman to have to go through. Thank God for my bipolar support group online. Those women are so strong and we have so much inner strength we don't know about, that the labor is going to be such a highlight for me! I don't care about the physical pain really.
Speaking of physical pain - I was reading up on epidurals and drugs (narcotics) during the labor and birthing and realized the effects on the baby. Of course, the book I have been reading is truly one-sided, but it's nice to see that other side. Women have been giving birth for millions of years now and I know I can go natural if I really wanted to. Since I have been scared about taking medications this entire pregnancy (being off all 9) for my bipolar, I think I am now scared about taking medications during the labor and birthing stages.
It's funny how they say mind over matter. I really believe in that though! I do have an extremely high pain tolerance, so who knows what I'll be like?
As for my mental stability right now, I am so in baby world and so happy about how my baby shower turned out (I GOT EVERYTHING - there is nothing I did not get! I think only the changing table pad from Pottery Barn Kids, the bassinet fitted sheets, and the crib sheets. BUT - i have enough gift certificates to cover it. ) and I have another baby shower through work on the 17th. Danny's baby shower was great, too! We threw him a surprise one (his mother and I) and got 2,148 diapers to show for it!!!!!! So I'm definitely not worried about having things.
That eases my mind.
Right now I'm starting to worry about postpartum. I have a high likelihood that I will suffer from it being bipolar, but with God's help and the inner strength He has given me - I think I can pull it through.
Cheers everyone!
Trinity
UPDATES:
Got the H1N1 vaccine and the seasonal flu vaccine in the last month.
I also went to my first labor and birthing class - almost 9 hours long (including a tour of the maternity ward) with Danny.
Tonight I have my Breastfeeding Class.
Got pregnancy photos done at 33 weeks. They are amazing!
Have a total of 3 baby showers. Got everything the baby, daddy, and I need!
Pregnancy Photos: 33 weeks
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Photos courtesy of Caitlin Tromiczak. Taken right at 33 weeks.
Photos courtesy of Caitlin Tromiczak. Taken right at 33 weeks.
BABY SHOWER PICTURES! 33 weeks, 6 days
Saturday, October 24, 2009
http://www.kodakgallery.com/gallery/creativeapps/slideShow/Main.jsp?token=364790937113%3A720712236
http://www.kodakgallery.com/gallery/creativeapps/slideShow/Main.jsp?token=364790937113%3A720712236
32 weeks, 2 days
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
October 13th
Yeah, I can’t f*cking sleep right now. I’m having like a semi-panic attack and debating on whether or not to take a valium. But I have such a long week ahead of me (until this weekend’s babymoon the bf planned). Today was one of those days at work where everything seems to fall apart and I had no one there for me.
Sometimes I get so damn lonely I start talking to my belly, but tonight was horrible. I’ve just been crying NON STOP and things seem to get progressively better and then as soon as the light hits I hit rock bottom. I HATE being bipolar. I really do. And right now, at least for the entire pregnancy I have just been depressed. The boyfriend is such a wonderful person, but he doesn’t get it, you know? No one does, except for other bipolar and pregnant women. And I don’t have any of those around me physically.
Well, anyway, I’m such a Debbie Downer right now. I just need to go to bed or at least try to and then just wake up refreshed. I’ve been on facebook all night staring at other people’s lives and figuring how much better it is to be them. And KNOWING that I’m right. I just hope that someday it gets easier, but I’m starting to overwhelm myself with past mistakes and possible future post-partum.
How are you doing? I hope much better.
I do have some good news, but I’ll wait on that.
Trinity
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