Depression Kicking its way out: 35 1/2 weeks.

November 5, 2009

Good news is, I'm almost 36 weeks pregnant. I have a total of 10 working days left until maternity leave! I cannot wait. Maybe this sounds so bad, but I just HATE being pregnant! It's so awful for me. It's not even the physical aspect, which is lucky for me I guess. I've had a pretty simple and easygoing pregnancy. It's almost textbook with my child always being in the 50th percentile of everything. The baby drops on the day it's supposed to. The nausea stopped the week it was supposed to. He's just doing what nature has intended for him to do.

BUT, my mental side of things is so awful. I had another panic attack last night. The phillies lost the world series and I got really upset. Well, first, I've been upset because I've watched most of the games by myself at home. If you just started reading - well I've been living by myself this entire pregnancy. As soon as I moved out of my sister's condo and into my own, I found out I was pregnant watching "Knocked Up". Therefore, I've been alone these past nine months physically. And mentally, I feel almost the same.

Danny is there for me, as much as he can be, since he is in New Jersey still living. But I can't even go to therapy much because it's too much for me to get there and by the time therapy ends I am so tired (physically). Another thing is, I don't have a car since I live smack in the center of NW, DC (1.5 miles from the White House actually) and so I have to walk everywhere or catch the bus or train. It sucks feeling stranded all of the time. I guess I could deal with those things easily if I didn't have to deal with not being on any medications now.

Being bipolar and pregnant is probably the hardest thing for a bipolar woman to have to go through. Thank God for my bipolar support group online. Those women are so strong and we have so much inner strength we don't know about, that the labor is going to be such a highlight for me! I don't care about the physical pain really.

Speaking of physical pain - I was reading up on epidurals and drugs (narcotics) during the labor and birthing and realized the effects on the baby. Of course, the book I have been reading is truly one-sided, but it's nice to see that other side. Women have been giving birth for millions of years now and I know I can go natural if I really wanted to. Since I have been scared about taking medications this entire pregnancy (being off all 9) for my bipolar, I think I am now scared about taking medications during the labor and birthing stages.

It's funny how they say mind over matter. I really believe in that though! I do have an extremely high pain tolerance, so who knows what I'll be like?

As for my mental stability right now, I am so in baby world and so happy about how my baby shower turned out (I GOT EVERYTHING - there is nothing I did not get! I think only the changing table pad from Pottery Barn Kids, the bassinet fitted sheets, and the crib sheets. BUT - i have enough gift certificates to cover it. ) and I have another baby shower through work on the 17th. Danny's baby shower was great, too! We threw him a surprise one (his mother and I) and got 2,148 diapers to show for it!!!!!! So I'm definitely not worried about having things.

That eases my mind.

Right now I'm starting to worry about postpartum. I have a high likelihood that I will suffer from it being bipolar, but with God's help and the inner strength He has given me - I think I can pull it through.

Cheers everyone!
Trinity

UPDATES:
Got the H1N1 vaccine and the seasonal flu vaccine in the last month.
I also went to my first labor and birthing class - almost 9 hours long (including a tour of the maternity ward) with Danny.
Tonight I have my Breastfeeding Class.
Got pregnancy photos done at 33 weeks. They are amazing!
Have a total of 3 baby showers. Got everything the baby, daddy, and I need!