Friday, November 6, 2009
It's such an amazement (to me) as to when things are at their toughest, we tend to seek out the good things in life. On the contrary, when life is smooth sailing, we couldn't complain more.
Last night, I was on the verge of suffering from a minor panic attack again when I realized that I just didn't have the energy. May sounds strange to some, but I just wasn't in the mood to be sad. Over the past nine months I have cried so many tears that it would be impossible for me to re-create the drama and sadness that I have suffered if it could be done. Night time seems to be the trigger of melancholy for me, but the entire day is usually filled with some feeling of sadness or guilt.
Years ago, I did something unforgivable to myself. I left Danny. One day out of pure mania and psychosis, I left Danny. I left the person I loved the most in my life to fulfill my own selfish desires. I had no idea that I was out of my mind, and this was before my diagnosis. I was not on medication or in therapy and I was not in touch with who I was becoming. I was out of control. Now, almost three years down the line I feel guilt. It is interesting how one day I can wake up and feel remorse for something that happened years ago. But I also was awoken, too, and now I am me again. I was sleeping for all of those years. My brain was on auto-pilot in a way.
I cry so much sometimes because my love for Danny is that strong. I think back to all of the amazing times and rough times that we have shared and I cry. I cry because I love him. I cry because I can't forgive myself for leaving him. I cry because he loved me through it all. Through the five hospital stays, through the move to Texas, through the move to DC, through the move to Indiana, through the lying, through the piano recital rehearsing at 2 a.m., through the panic attacks, through the violent attacks, through the raising of our dog, and now through our baby. I don't know how else to explain why I love him so much sometimes that it hurts me. It pains me. The only explanation I have is that I am feeling guilt from all of those years where I did him wrong and now paying for it. I deserve it. I really do.
But the day has come for me to stop all of this crying. I am tired of it. I am tired of being exhausted. I have a new life beginning very soon now, and I need my strength. I have our son. He is the reason why I am strong. He is my life. He is my new life. And through these darkest times, I am finding something positive to look towards. I have no complaints. Things can only turn around and get better from here.
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